Monday, 15 April 2013

"when the world gets in your way, whats the point of all this screaming, noone's listeing anyway"

While I was home over Christmas I was introduced to Slacker Radio.  On nights like this when I can't yet find sleep and need something to get the creative juices flowing it is where I turn.  As I sit here and listen to the Counting Crows station almost every song invokes an emotion and an idea in me so I am not sure this session on the shovel list will be very cohesive.  I hope that you can follow and keep up.

"the first cut is the deepest"
     I wonder how true this is for those the are battling any and all types of cancer?  Do they always go as deep as they need to the first time they go in and try to remove the cancer that we have?  If when I had my stage 0 Melanoma removed if I had of asked them to go deeper and wider then they did could that have prevented what has played out over the last year? 
     Don't you love how one question leads to a million and that some days there are no answers to any of them that make any sense.  We cannot change what has happened and we have to keep going forward.  I understand and accept that for the most part, but there are days that I would just like an answer to one of the million question I have about my cancer and all the others out there that I wish I could get a straight answer on....  Ya know what I mean?

"I found God at the corner of 1st and Namaste"
     I have faith.  This doesn't mean that I belong to a church.  I doesn't mean that I am a 'Bible Thumper'.  It definitely doesn't mean that typical conformed religion works for me any more.  I believe I have seen God.  He is in the face of my children, my best friends, my mother.  He is there to help me carry my cross and I am thankful for that.  Some days I want Him to take that cross and shove it, but we didn't do that for Him and I know He can't do that for us.

"I guess winter makes you talk a little lower about the things you couldn't show her"
     What I find the hardest about being sick with this thing is how to talk about it to people.  Talking to other people that have it is easy.  We compare drugs, scans, results, fears, etc.  Talking to my closest friends and family is so hard.  I want to spare them from all of this.  I don't want to tell them when I hurt, when I am scare, when I need help, when all I want to do is sleep so that I don't have to think about being sick.  The hardest thing is trying to explain things to my kids and my Mum.  No parent should lose a child, and no child should lose a parent before they are grown.

"Jeremy spoke in class today"
     It is a goal of mine that I someday I will speak publicly about Melanoma.  I want to go into classrooms and share my story.  I want to help prevent there being others like myself.  People can prevent this cancer to a certain extent and they need to see what it does to a person that has it, I think, before they will be willing to open their eyes and really see that.  I don't want to have to scare them, or fight with them, or have them laugh it off when the talk has to get heavy.  I just want them to see that it is real, it doesn't discriminate because of sex, age, tax bracket, or skin tone.  Melanoma is ugly.  Melanoma is mean.  Melanoma is a bully.  I feel like I am Jeremy and Melanoma is my bully.

"words of rage I cannot hide"
Music is what my shovel is made of tonight.  Music can bring out emotions and feelings that you have buried for some reason.  Music in any form can be calming.  Listen to a song and see what it brings up for you.

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